


The Things I Will Never Tell You

by bbymandy



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Break Up, F/M, Falling In Love, Falling Out of Love, Friends to Lovers, Love, Moving On, lovers to nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:35:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25584517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbymandy/pseuds/bbymandy
Summary: This is the story of the rise and fall of your love life with Oikawa.My inspiration comes from the tiktok @arufurawa posted for Tooru's birthday. The song and edit made me bawl like a baby but also think about everything going on in my life that I haven't been paying much mind to. Thank you for helping me even though you don't know you did.
Relationships: Oikawa Tooru/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	The Things I Will Never Tell You

The summer after graduating high school, you weren’t planning on dating anyone much less falling in love with them. But a simple direct message responding to your tweet about the upcoming orientation for your college would change your life.

Tooru Oikawa had been a name you recognized since middle school, even though you would not have a class together until your junior year. You thought he was cute, and had a feeling he thought so too but neither one of you acted on it. He caught your eyes in the halls and it ended there, a passing person you would probably never see again.

His message was a surprise to you since you thought he may not particularly care for you since you once flaked on him to take a nap before work instead of hanging out. The both of you messaged back and forth on Twitter, mutuals for longer than your actual real life relationship despite going to the same middle and high school. 

He had invited you over to his house to take the math placement test needed before orientation, and of course this time you wouldn’t flake. Even though when you arrived, he kept you standing outside in the heat for nearly ten minutes while he showered. You wouldn’t figure that out until later when you had finished testing before him and teased the brown haired boy about it. His father eventually told the both of you to find somewhere else to hang out, worried about a boy and a girl being alone behind closed doors for too long. It was the first time you had hung out together in real life one on one; nonetheless, you both obeyed and opted to eat out.

You both had a mutual love for a nearby restaurant, less than a five minute drive from either one of your houses. Coincidentally, he was two stop signs and one street light away from your own home. It was almost as if fate called you together. 

Right before he was set to leave for a family vacation, you both dolled yourselves up for a lunch date at a nicer establishment than your first meal together. He wore a gold accented shirt you had purchased for his birthday and a matching black dress you bought just for the occasion. It was at that restaurant, in a booth that you had let it slip that people might view the both of you as “ _ that couple _ ” if you wore matching items. Oikawa looked at you with wide glimmering eyes, since you hadn’t even realized yourself what slipped your own lips. “So, you think we are a couple?” he teased you as your face heated up turning a bright red hue. Although he joked, it was then the relationship became official. 

His birthday overlapped with his trip and you were unable to see each other the actual day but that would become a weird tradition for your relationship. Yours had already passed the month prior and it became an inside joke of  _ maybe next year _ with life somehow always getting in the way. When he came back from his trip late in the night, you snuck away to eat with him at your favorite spot. It was there in the poorly lit parking lot, in the front seat of his car, did you both whisper  _ I love you _ for the first time.

For most of the summer, you would frequent each other’s homes getting closer with his parents since yours were often working or traveling leaving you alone. His brother didn’t take long to warm up to you once you brought him some playing, build-your-own type candy. His parents frequently reminded you of how much they adored your accomplishments from high school since they were better achievements in their eyes than their own son’s. 

Oikawa went with you to your orientation since it was the same day he had signed up, prompting his dm in the first place. You both started to do a lot together like face masks for the, really his, first time to horribly ruining your heads with bleach to going to your college’s freshmen camp. He ended up spraining his ankle and at the end of the camp, you drove him to the emergency room and bought him crutches at the pharmacy next door.

That wouldn’t compare to the weekend before you both were moving into your dorms though. He was finally able to drive again once he healed, and he was following you to the dorms to move in officially having dropped off your stuff a week prior. Another car came out of nowhere, permanently injuring you and completely demolishing all three cars. The both of you were shaken up and terrified but it became a happy joke later on. Hell, you even celebrated the guy’s birthday together since you had a picture of his license from the accident.

Your initial roommate backed out last minute so he lived in your dorm for the first semester and everything was happy. He got a better gpa than you did but at least you both were above a 3.0 on a 4.0 scale. Life was good, and your relationship was even better.

Winter break came and went, and second semester began. You moved into a room down the hall from his to be with a friend and secretly closer to him as well. You don’t know even now if that was a good decision since that time was rough for your love and academic lives. Both having a toxic, reactive relationship with the other. 

He already used nicotine devices, but now he was smoking non-stop with his friends. He would sleep all day from being up all night causing him to miss class and forget dates with you. Hoping to make yourself more known in his life, you moved into Oikawa’s room hoping he would find space for you there. He did then he didn’t. 

You forced yourself in causing you to be too overbearing and he broke up with you because “he just wanted to experience life.” It broke you. You ran away to home for a week and a half hoping to find solace in your room but the memories of him lingered everywhere. From the shoes he bought for your birthday to the stuffed animals that lined your bed to the makeup you piled on just to make yourself feel beautiful even if you were cracked and broken inside. You self medicated to take away the numbness and before you knew it, you were doing things you swore you never would.

Oikawa looked happy, he felt happier without you, but after some time you were back together. Everything was sealed once you went on a trip together with his friends. It was awkward and you really weren’t sure if you had fun but he was there and the smile and laughter on his face made everything worth it. Even if you had to starve yourself to pay for the gas to drive back home. Tooru was with you, that was all you needed.

That semester threw you for loop and you paid the repercussions by losing your scholarship, your newfound addiction caused you to miss class and tests that were irreplaceable no matter what excuse you tried to conjure up. This was your mess, deal with it. His parents on the other hand thought maybe it wasn’t time for him to be alone in a bigger school but no matter how much he tried to fight them, they were paying for his tuition so what could he say? He had one chance to prove himself.

Your birthday that spring was missed because your sister graduated from another university elsewhere and his was once again spent separated by another family vacation. But of course,  _ maybe next year _ . The summer came and went with some fighting here and there but at the end of the day, you still had each other and that was all you wanted. 

The next fall, you decided to join a sorority since being around his friends wasn’t fun and you wanted more girl friends in your life. You both chose to live at home since it was less costly and drove together to school. Your schedules coincidentally matched up but his impatience with your meetings and events caused a riff in your relationship. Was choosing something for yourself really that bad? 

You had two jobs on top of being a full time student and sorority duties, being his second mom was the unfitting cherry on top. You hate cherries. His annoyance having to wait for you to drive him home and your time spent with your new friends everyday bothered him to a whole new extreme. You couldn’t help but wonder how many times you had called it off at that point.

The next semester, Oikawa decided himself to go to a nearby community college while you remained at the university. You still came home to him after long school hours and sorority events but somehow it wasn’t enough. 

This time, he wasn’t there for your birthday because of some fight that you couldn’t recall even now. Your reconciliations recently had ended in sex without really talking or placing tiny papers on your tongues to slip into another dimension where anger didn’t exist. It wasn’t healthy and you  _ knew that _ but he was your Tooru and two years were coming up. You did not want all that time to be a waste right?

The day of your two year anniversary and an early birthday celebration for him, ended in anger. He held you to an impossible double standard, and you lost your cool yelling at him. It wasn’t like this hasn’t happened before but this time definitely was different. There was no ‘fixing’ what could have been fixed. You recognized your fairytale, whirlwind relationship was over for good and you couldn’t even  _ cry _ about it. It was sad yes, but you didn’t feel empty or like you were missing anything in particular. Just an ‘oh that’s done.’ 

You buried yourself in work, trying your best to rely on your friends but it wasn’t like you were a mess. Just a busy body moving on to the next phase of wherever life was set to take you. The following weeks after breaking up, you deleted photos and memories as they came up on SnapChat. It wasn’t like you frequented your camera roll anyway, but as you scrolled you came to the realization. You never were one for pictures but in the beginning there was you and him, just him, and then your pledge sisters. Had you never noticed? You had physical evidence your attention was elsewhere but you realized that wasn’t just your fault. Every night you went home to him, no matter what the time was or how long the day had been. It became a habit to no longer go on dates to enjoy  _ each other _ but just to go out. Had he realized that too? You looked back at the memories that lingered in your room of him. They were mixed and intertwined with the pieces from the new people in your life. Was this all your fault?

You tried not to think about it by indulging yourself into more of your hobbies, but when you got to thinking about it in the early mornings spent next to an empty side of the bed.  _ It wasn’t just you _ . The days off you had reserved just for him, he slept through and the nights you could have gone out, he spent with friends expecting you to be waiting for him. Your life was quickly moving into adulthood but so was his in his own way. Maybe he hadn’t joined a family like you did but even his friend group was growing into their own thing.

To you, it was never about who was right and who was wrong even though Oikawa may beg to differ. Now you realize people just grow whether you're planted in the same soil or pot, it doesn’t mean the direction will be the same. When you think of him now, you’re reminded of the happy memories that you will always treasure not of the ones that made your heart twist and shatter.

The things I will never tell you are: 

How proud I am to see you grow from our mutual friends stories,

Even though I miss your warmth I know she is out there better suited to your whimsical way of life,

I kept the mementos you don’t remember because when I think back to the bliss I felt in those moments nothing else compares,

You still have a fan right here no matter what your goals are,

And finally,

I don’t hate you at all. You will always be someone I love because of every experience we shared even if our relationship didn’t last. We may be far, but a piece of my heart will always be with you.

Tooru Oikawa, I hope you find peace with yourself and in your life. Without you, I wouldn’t be on this path that I am right now. Every tear and laugh brings you closer to the person you are meant to be. I am still learning about myself too but I want to thank you for pushing me, loving me, and caring for me. Thank you for being my breath of fresh air for so long that I didn’t realize that I needed. I am able to breath on my own now and I know that you can too. 

Thank you for allowing me to love you.

**Author's Note:**

> This is actually the watered down real life story of my own relationship that ended. It's not really about Oikawa but in some ways the remind me of each other. I think these are the final words I need to get off my chest. Thank you for reading even though it had nothing to do with Oikawa. I will get back to writing normal fics after this just kind of thinking too much at the moment.


End file.
